Recap: A Season To Express Thankfulness

I made it through the month with my goal. I wanted to write a handwritten note of gratitude to a different person every day. Now I didn't make it all 30 days but I was really close and actually didn't keep count so I wouldn't lose sight of the spirit of the goal. It was pretty amazing especially since in the middle of it my sisters household where I live was hit with one thing after another. It was really compounded in November for some reason and every week there was a new challenge of things breaking. The cherry on top was that we got lice, meaning all the girl,s so grooming, chemical treatments, boiling water hair baths and mayo hair treatments to kill the buggers was not putting me in the thankful spirit. But that humbling/humiliating experience allowed me to really see the hand of the Lord in our lives. We were so blessed with amazing friends that braved coming into the infested house to help with the 'monkey grooming' and stopping them from spreading. My sister has incredibly thick, like the size of a fist for a pony tail thick hair and it is very long. She has such beautiful and we both were close to chopping our hair off because we were so frustrated but several friends stepped in and assisted in the 5+ hours it would take to go through her hair. We were very blessed in our difficulties.

On the flip side people were very grateful to receive thank you notes. One friend told me he had never received a note like that in his whole life. I was a bit surprised because he is an older man, but that I was the first to give him something so unique in his experience was very touching. It made my month much sweeter and more reflective as I pondered how many things I really have been blessed with.

Online Dating... You have to take joy in the ride

I joined the online dating world this past June. (Horrified Gasps) I know, I know the stigma! But being a Single LDS Lady in the south is like being single in Antarctica, slim pickings at best and if you are a Tall Single LDS Lady forget it! I thought online would be a good option to get to know people and ease back into dating since its been a long time since I have been in this scene.

For the most part it has been good. It has been a very different experience to walk into. There is a whole other code of rules and games then in person dating. I started this journey by reading everyone's profile I was interested in and if I was interested after reading what they said I would find common ground and send a paragraph long email. I was so excited to be 'dating' again that I went full force and head long into this process. The possibilities were so exciting to me and everything was new! What I didn't know was that the majority were lazy and didn't bother looking at your profile before sending a 'flirt' with something like "You're Cute!" or "Hi". Oh man those flirts get under my skin. Then after all the hours I spent sending out thoughtful emails I only got a few back, and of those most were short one sentence replies to my inquiries and nothing beyond that. First learning curve, wait to invest time to make sure its worth investing.

Then the IMing feature seemed like the answer to the email dilemma. Here is a way to find out if I want to invest time in them. Perfect! I had some really fun, snappy conversations but then I got several creepers. My first encounter was Mr. Early Bird. I may need to add a caveat here that at first I would reply to every email I received and every IM because I didn't see the harm in it and I thought it was the polite thing to do, right...

Ok back to Mr. Early Bird.
This guy lives in North Carolina and started IMing me. I replied and check out his profile and realized he didn't have the things I wanted height included but before I could make my escape he had already said I think we should meet in person and that he would drive down to meet me. Literally this was four lines into our FIRST conversation ever!! SAY WHAT?! So I politely said oh I think we should get to know each other better before we meet in person and wasn't that kind of a long drive. He said oh no it was only like 2.5 hours and what did I want to know? So I ended that conversation as quickly and nicely as possible. I am all for showing your interest and taking charge but four lines in, really! Especially since the first two are Hi, Hey. Yeah way creepy!

Second was Mr. Digits
Now this guy was very...aggressive. His profile sounded interesting and when he started IMing me I was looking forward to getting to know him and seeing if the interest would transfer to our conversations. But again I was shocked and a few lines into our dialogue he wanted my number or Skype name so we could talk because he didn't like IM. By this time I had become much more cautious and put the brakes on and for him that meant goodbye. He said I couldn't live in fear and I need to be willing to take a risk. Because giving you my number proves I don't live in fear?! Really it would have proved I had no sense. The best part of Mr. Digits was he was on another dating site I was on and approached me again a few weeks later and didn't even realize that I was the same person. This time he was willing to get to know each other a bit before hand, must have gotten rejected enough to realize that was way to bold of a maneuver to try out that soon but the conversation was dry and I didn't try hard at all because I wasn't interested at this point and I remembered crazy aggressive guy.

The third IMer that really sticks out is Mr. Must Be In A Bikini.
Now this whole experience with him just cracks me up. Seriously he was way out of line but I found the whole thing hilarious and mainly because I had no interest.
Mr. Must Be In A Bikini started to IM me. I checked out his profile and he fit all my qualifications except he was a bit young but I figured what the heck. We started IMing and I was reading through his profile and it was apparent to me that I really didn't have any interest in him and the conversation wasn't very engaging but so far things were at least fun so I kept chatting in case I had misjudged him and he just had a bad profile. Well I asked him what his favorite place in Utah was and his reply was you'll have to come out and see but you'll need your bikini. I already knew after he wrote this were the rest of the conversation was going but I let it play out and watched it unfold. This was the rest of our conversation that I can remember:

Me: 'So its somewhere with water? but I don't wear bikini's'
Him: :( Why not?
Me: Because I don't think they are modest
Him: I think you would look good in one
Me: I probably would but I'll never wear one

And then his end went dead. Totally cracked me up. But that confirmed for me that he just wasn't my type. Second learning curve, don't be nice unless you are interested because you will regret it!

Obviously these are the extreme examples and there have been lots of great IM and email conversations but these are more fun to tell and I can remember them. I have learned alot about myself through this online process and I have become much more selective and not afraid to be that way. And it has paid off for me and I hope those that I was blunt with. I did like two men enough to cross the huge gulf between online to in person. Tune in for the details on those two meetings.

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Season to express Thankfulness

Welcome November and those feelings of appreciate and gratitude. Just this morning I have heard of several good ideas of ways to express your gratitude and I have decided to take on a personal challenge of becoming more thankful and appreciative in my life and showing it. I wont say what it is now but will give an update at the end of the month with how I did on the challenge and my thoughts/feelings/experiences with it.

So what are you going to do to immerse yourself in the season of Thanksgiving?

I spoke to soon

My early post today just got a bit of a slap in the face when I saw this quote:

“Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others...By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves.” President Gordon B. Hinckley

Message received.

I can do hard things...

Today has been hard. Not exactly sure why but I stumbled upon Hilary Weeks blog (I have no idea how I have missed this before I truly love her!) And I am 'catching up' on her posts. I love her voice in her writing and the honesty. Anyways I am specifically reading the thoughts posts and the step posts about her new album and almost every post is making me tear up. I'm trying to let things go and rely on the promises the Lord has made me time and time again but it is hard. It's so hard not to have control, its so hard to have the things I desire most not be something I can control. Hilary was talking about her daughter and how she will spend eternity getting to know her as an adult but in that moment she had this thought that she only had that night and the next few years to get to know her as a child and I ached. That is truly all I have ever wanted. I have many aspirations and goals but they all pale in comparison to me wanting to be a wife and mother. I thought I had it all figured out, my life was laid out and agency came into play and I find myself divorce and alone. I know every stage has its hard things we must do but this seems harder than I remember. All my friends are in the stages I want and wish about being in and I am having a hard time enjoying this journey for the things I will learn and how I will change. So for now I am just trying to remind myself that I can do hard things and that this to shall pass because the Lord promised me it would.

Stake Conference October 15 and 16, 2011

I was asked to speak at Stake Conference. Yikes! When I received the email from the Stake Executive Clerk (I think that's his title) wanting to ask me a question about Stake Conference I figured that they wanted me to pray. I was nervous about doing that but I figured no problem. Well when he called me Sunday night and asked me to give a talk at the Adult Session that was on Saturday, less than a week away I was terrified. I stressed and prepared and did a lot more stressing but my sister kept reassuring me that since the stake building was so far, an hour and a half drive from our house, that the attendants wouldn't fill up the chapel. So I let her pacify me and help me alot! I was very lucky to have such a supportive sister and several really great friends that helped me work through ideas and panic attacks throughout the week.

Saturday we were running a bit later than I was hoping and we got there with about 15 minutes before the program started and I walked into a full house even with the first overflow section mainly full. I was not prepared for that to greet me. It was really awesome to see all those people making sacrifices to be there but on the flip side I was hoping for like ten people. Oh well. I was second on the program and I started shaking when I walked into the building so sitting and waiting for the first speaker was one of the most interesting experiences I think I have ever had. It was incredible hard to focus and not continuously stare out over the audience. I was literally shaking so badly all over that my thighs were shaking even while I was sitting. Not the best feeling. I wondered if anyone else could tell and what embarrassing twitch I would have while I was speaking. The last time I spoke in Sacramanet I kept a steady beat with my foot pounding the ground. Luckily the audience couldn't see or hear just everyone on the stand with me! So I was really nervous about repeating that experience since there was a full choir on the stand right behind me.

Well I'm not sure if I had any noticeable twitch to the audience but I was able to give my talk in relative confidence. I felt more natural once I started talking and went 'off script'. In the past I have done my talks in a bullet point format but I was stressing so much over this talk that I wrote it all out. Luckily I was lead by the spirit and had a much more natural and funny talk then I had written. I received lots of compliments and thank yous on my talk and that is the best indication on what kind of job I did.

We were blessed enough to have Elder Giddens of the Seventy with us and I really appreciated his talk. The thing that touched me the most is when he talked about his call to be a Mission President when he was still very young and all his children were still at home. He talked about how he was so positive and had an attitude even around the children that this was no big deal. His wife pointed out that this wasn't working and he pulled the family together and admitted that this was a hard thing and his wife made a sign that said 'We Can Do Hard Things'. This became a bit of a call to arms for everyone in the family but his 15 year old daughter. This change was the hardest for her and one day while looking for her he found this quote on her mirror:

“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

This is what was getting her through her difficulties. I took alot of personal comfort from this quote and the things he had to say. I can do hard things and when I put my trust and faith in the Lord things will go more smoothly and work out better for me.

Part Two - Trucks, Trailer Hitches and other bumps in the road

The moving saga continues…

We pulled into the third U-Haul of the day and told them of our difficulties. One of the workers, a guy named Keegan, took the truck to the shop and began to work on getting the trailer hitch cut in half so we could get a new one. I am not sure what all he did but at this point it was after four and I was getting very nervous and dad and I hadn’t eaten in hours so I walked over to McDonalds to order some food. I ordered and by the time I got my order my dad pulled up and came in. I was hopeful it was all taken care of and we could go back to U-Haul number 2 and get the trailer. No such luck. Keegan had spent over an hour trying to cut the trailer hit off but to no avail. He recommended we got to a shop with a blow torch and have them remove it.

We went to the shop he recommended but by then it was closed. Neither my dad or I was too surprised but we were just numb with exhaustion at this point. We called my Uncle who lived a few hours away thinking maybe we would stay there and see if he could get it all fixed for us. We didn’t really feel right about it so we went to go cancel our reservation since it was very apparent we would not be getting the trailer that day. After going to that Uhal location we went back to the one with the shop were my dad asked if Keegan had tired an air torch. He hadn’t so he took it back and began working on it again. I can’t remember how long he did the air torch probably around 45 minutes but he came back in with the best news he had finally gotten the old rusty trailer hitch off and we could now replace it!! It was looking like we were going to be able to get the trailer after all and everything could go back on some sort of schedule. He got the new hitch on and was just checking out the rest of the car to make sure we had no issues. He had me step on the break after noticing something that made him nervous, yes there was a leak in the break line that burst open when I hit the brake. We now had a truck with a hitch that was un drivable. I almost had a meltdown! Keegan said he would fix it for us no problem and he would come in early tomorrow and use the shop and we just needed to get the parts. I called my best friend Kris and had her come pick us up and take us to get the parts and then head back to my apartment. I didn’t think it would be a blessing to have not sold the Camry at that time but it truly was and that manifested itself with the truck breaking down.

Early Sunday my dad dropped off the parts to Keegan and then we headed to church. Keegan had guessed that by late afternoon that he would have it fixed but around noon we got a call from him that he got everything fixed for us and the truck was in working order. It was no small miracle that a training mechanic was working at that Uhal to pay the bills! We headed down and thanked Keegan profusely and were able to pick up the trailer Sunday and still be able to leave Monday after my court appearance. We picked up the trailer with no other issues and headed home to enjoy some much needed rest after the adventures of the day before.

Bright and early on Monday morning, June 13th, we had six men from my current ward come to help us load up the trailer. We were done in no time. I was so grateful for all of their help. They were not only had working but they were so positive and helpful and just a joy to have helping. Lots of bantering and joking was going on and I was surprised at myself in how efficiently I kept them busy and was able to get the last minute things packed. We finished with more than enough time to get to the courthouse, I was really stressing over that but it was not necessary.

Dad and I got ready and headed out to the courthouse. I put the address in my GPS and I felt this nagging doubt that I was heading the wrong way but I did put in the address that was on the paperwork. I ‘arrived’ earlier than I needed to but when we got there I knew we were in the wrong place. I had to make a call to Gable who of course was already there and get some directions. I got back on the road this way going in the right direction and now going to arrive later than when my lawyer wanted us there. As on edge as I was already from everything this was not a good or helpful thing. My poor father, I was so frustrated with myself and I was pretty snippy. Finally we made it and in ok time. We waited a few minutes and then we went into face the judge. Now this was my first experience ever in a courthouse and I was really shocked at the formality of it all for some reason. It was so ostentatious and I started to freak out that I would mess up. My dad was in the back where the audience can sit and I was right in front of the judge. Luckily I had a great lawyer that locked eyes with me and started the process and I never looked away from him. He said his ‘lines’ is really the only way to say it. It was a ton he had to say for me and then for Gable! But I managed just fine the only thing that took me by surprise was that I had to answer that I had no children and that I was not currently pregnant as a result of this marriage. It’s a very awkward question to be asked in front of strangers but finally we got the stamp of approval and I was once again single.

It was a strange experience but liberating at the same time. I wasn’t crying or anything but I really wanted to get out of Gable’s presence and get on the road. We had a 13 hour drive ahead of us after the courtroom but when I walked to where my dad was he was whipping some tears from his eyes. I was mad at this, because of all the pain I went through because of Gable’s actions my dad was still sad to lose him. I was on edge and maybe if things had been calmer the proceeding days I would have had a different reaction but there was only anger when I saw that. We had an incredibly awkward goodbye with Gable and a very cordial one with my lawyer and we went back to find the car in the maze of the courthouse and its parking lot. I was still very edgy and emotional but we finally got to my apartment changed and got ready to hit the road.

I have to back track just a bit here and say that I am so very blessed that I had Bishop Albrecht when I was going through this divorce process for so many reasons but lastly he let us park the still unsold Toyota Camry at his house until my dad could fly out and drive it back to Colorado to sell. My amazing friends and family through this whole process was the biggest blessing. It was the only thing that kept me sane with all the logistics this process entailed. I am so grateful for how readily I was blessed by those around me.

Ok back on track again, we dropped the car off and then it was Dad, Me, Roxy and the trailer. Luckily the trailer didn’t drag that much and my dad and I had a very smooth trip with no real complications. The AC didn’t work but luckily it was a cool day to travel and we had semi cool air blowing into the car at all times. But after all the encounters we had with the truck and getting ready to move the actual trip was perfect. We made good time and we rolled up to my new place at about 1am on Tuesday June 14^th. It was such a relief to finally be there!

The next day the unloading went just as smoothly and I finally started to feel calm and relaxed again. We had a few men from my new ward and my family to help. Unloading the boxes went quickly and I was able to kind of relax the rest of the day before I started my new job the next day.

The first month here in SC is kind of blur of working and outings to the beach and spending some awesome girl time with my new roomie and my sister. But now live has settled down and I am still loving living here.

Trucks, Trailer Hitches and other bumps in the road

My move is over and was accomplished safely. However, the process of getting everything ready turned into a very interesting story were I went from frustrated to the verge of tears to being very blessed. This wonderful journey begins with my truck. The truck that I just got that has lots of character shall we say. It's not exactly a lemon but the guy that sold it to me took me for a bit of a ride. My first big indicator was I was leaking power steering fluid, like I drove an hour and I had to fill it up again. I was doing errands one Saturday and I had to use 3/4 of a bottle to keep me going. I tried to get in contact with the seller who said they would look at it and fix it. Yep never happened so Firestone fixed it but told me that it was only a temporary fix and that I would have to get it fixed in like six months and that it would be over a grand to do so. Yeah I wasn't buying it so I called my dad and had them talk to him. Turns out the truth is it is a temporary fix but should last the remainder of my trucks life so I didn't need to do that $1,000 job after all. Love that I get swindled and lied to because of my gender at car shops, it’s amazing!!

This turned out to be the first of many fun projects my Roxy would have to have before we were able to rent a trailer and move, but luckily my dad flew in Friday, June 10^th. Saturday was our logistics day as the move was happening on Monday mid morning. We started Saturday with some last minute store shopping for car stuff to make sure we wouldn’t get stranded in some crazy part of West Virginia. My dad was very concerned that the trucks A/C wasn’t working, oh yeah did I mentioned I discovered that as I was driving for an appointment an hour away?! So we got some do it yourself A/C stuff and loads of other items. There we were in the Walmart parking lot trying to fix the A/C. Didn’t work, but thankfully the air still blew it just wasn’t cold. Our next stop was U-Haul! So we get there decide on the size trailer and then we take a look at my hitch. For starters the trailer hitch ball was rusted solid. We couldn't turn it or loosen it at all. Then we try the connector for the trailer lights. At first it look like it was going to be good but one light wasn’t working so my dad and the U-Haul worker commence an hour long adventure trying to figure out the rats nest that is the wiring in the back of the truck. Amazingly he was able to get it to work but recommend we go to another U-Haul across town that would be able to fix my hitch and also had the trailer size we were looking for.

The second U-Haul started out smoothly we got all the paperwork taken care of and we got to the point of hooking up my truck to the trailer. We told the worker what the other U-Haul worker had said and she gave us this dumb founded look. Yeah so she tried, I went out and bought some rust buster and soaked the thing. No luck but she called yet another U-Haul location that had a workshop that should be able to help us. So around this time it’s like 3ish or so. My dad and I were hoping to load up that night but it wasn’t looking like it was possible. So we head to U-Haul number three which funny enough we had passed and noticed on our way to U-Haul number two.

To Be Continued....

It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN

I am in my final days of my life here in Cleveland. I am not enjoying my last days in the sun, but rather never leaving my room as I consistently pack and procrastinate. I have been pretty good during this whole process averaging about two boxes a night of packing. The problem is its now the random straggler things that need to be sorted and I have become overwhelmed with the reality of what is happening. Last night I sat on the couch despondently watching The Cosby Show while my mind raced with terrible thoughts of my future. What if I don't get everything accomplished before I leave Cleveland, what if my job falls through, what if there is no one out there that will want me? It was not a great time. Luckily my little brother called full of enthusiasm for my new stage in life and snapped me out of it a bit, at least enough to pack a few more things before calling it quits. Then I was able to also talk to my sister and the funk ended and I had the most restful nights sleep I have had in several days. Family is an amazing blessing.

Walking to work today the thought of all my friends I am leaving behind hit me. I am saying my goodbyes for who knows how long and the reality is some of the people I leave behind I probably will never see again and that is frightening. I know we have all sorts of social networking that will let me peek in on their life's and I am realizing that isn't enough for me. I will miss stopping by and being able to chat for hours, knowing there is someone just down the street that I can escape to for a while, calling for impromptu outings, or just knowing I have a circle of people that love me just a few minutes away. These are things that the social media scene, as wonderful as it is, can never give me. Leaving my job is one of the worst things about this change for me. I have been beyond blessed to work in a caring and nurturing environment. In my short span in the professional world I have never come across this. It's heightened by the fact that the two ladies I work the closest with are my best friends. They have helped me weather so many storms and mentor me and let me become who I am meant to be. I can never repay them for all they have done. I am consistently finding that I am in debt to so many people and its the kind of debt you can never repay.

So Cleveland you are a bitter sweet time in my life but thank you for all of it. I have grown and become a better person and made friendships that are invaluable.

Goodbye Cleveland

My First Big Purchase!

My first car purchase! I was so blessed to find the truck I have always wanted, and was sold to me by a good honest person that bent over backwards to help me. Its crazy that I have never owned anything like this. Every big decision or purchase I have made has been with someone else, but now this is truly mine and it hasn't really sunk in. I am so excited!
The front of the truck The dashboard, yes its a stick shift one of the bests parts of the truck! Full view of the truck! It has a few dents but I don't mind and almost prefer it to a pristine car.

I am Star Stuck... and you can be to!!

I had the most amazing/crazy experience tonight. I have always been a big fan of Chris Heimerdinger and his novels, mainly the Tennis Shoes series. Anyways I have been following his blog http://frostcave.blogspot.com/ for the past few months but he is doing an amazing sale on a lot of products from all different authors and he has them listed on Amazon and eBay, but he prefers to sell directly to you so he put his cell phone number up for you to call. I thought that maybe it was a scam and I hesitantly called and... I really talked to Chris Heimerdinger. It was crazy and amazing and his is so genuine and nice. He gave me some great discounts and it is worth taking a look at. Head over to his site http://frostcave.blogspot.com/ and have fun shopping!!

Apartment Reveal

I almost forgot to post these! I know how dare I especially since some of you have been waiting with bated breath. Take a good, restful deep breath and enjoy my boudoir.

The icing on the cake for me... My fantastic new bed spread!

 The Mary Kay corner.

 The big bay windows, now there is a portable closet so its a bit more cramped then it was.

 The fireplace, or realistically my giant TV. Man I love that thing!

There you have the converted living room into my bedroom. I just love my apartment!

Fallen in love...

I have fallen in love... with a wedding idea. A blog I love to read did a post on Mormon weddings and how they aren't so exciting, but this couple Derek and Rebecca had the most fantastic wedding I have ever heard of. It makes me wish I was their best friend and was there! But on second thought maybe I can steal the idea for myself (devilish laughter). Be sure to follow the link to check out the slide show of them on MarthaStewart.com, yes it truly was that awesome that it made it on Martha Stewart.

The List

I am really excited for this book, and I have been holding out to see if I win. But win or not I am going to own that book and read it. So you probably want to know what the heck I am talking about. Well if you go here http://melaniejacobson.net/ you can read the first chapter and fall in love with it like me. I also recommend you check out Melanie's blog here as it is one of my FAVORITES, you'll see why if you stop by. Also she is giving away her book and some other really cool things so go there at least once to check that out! Go here for a chance to win The List

What if...

I have been really excited to become single again. I have become a bit thought obsessed with dating actually. And since I am still technical married I haven't really been thinking about the realities of dating again. Write Stuff a blog I love reading had this line in today's post 'Guys in the late-20's range were either total players or divorced and battle-scarred.' That got me thinking/worried what if I become that person! Either player or battle-scarred. I hadn't thought through that possibility, or the possibility that I would be single for a few years to come. I just imagined Mr. Right would manifest in like three to six months and in a little over a year I would be married again (second time around I want to be married in June). What if I doesn't happen? What if my plan comes to naught (love this word). 

The one line from a blog post, well really the entire post, has got me reevaluating a lot of my life goals and wondering if my academic/career goals are really what I want. What am I going to do with my life?! The possibilities are endless and I feel 18 again, super excited for every option but not really willing to nail one down. I am all over the place with pretty much everything in my life but for now I have a few concrete things, a divorce, that need to happen before I can really start exploring.

Wake Up Call

Tonight I spent two hours with Gable that I was not planning on. I came to his apartment to get my dishes but some of them were dirty so I had to wait for the dish washer. I haven't spent more than an hour with him since I moved out and that was always when I was running around packing. I had nothing really to do but sit and wait for the dishes. Of course we did some talking but I wasn't prepared for how uncomfortable I am around him and how many emotions are there under the surface. I really am doing well but tonight talking to Gable I was emotional and crying, something that hasn't happened since I first packed to move. Here I was tonight boiling with every emotion and only able to express myself through crying.

It was such a bitter/sweet night because we did some of the best communication of our whole marriage. We explained some of the things we were feeling and how some of our problems came to be, and some that at least for me I had no idea that he was struggling with. The most frustrating part was if we had been able and willing to communicate as these misunderstandings, hurt feelings, problems came up we probably wouldn't be on the verge of divorce. It was really hard to hear the other side of the story and see how my naivety created/compounded some personal problems that Gable had always struggled with but that I didn't know about till tonight.At the very least I have more empathy for him and hope that the mistakes I have made in this marriage I will be able to not only learn from but correct in my future marriage.

Causing Shock Waves

Everyone I talk to either in person or via phone seemed to be shocked at my state of mind. I know that I just barely physically separated from Gable a few weeks ago but we have had a emotional separation for about a year so I have been able to work through my emotions/plans/thoughts for the past year. So yes I am doing well, in fact I am doing great. I am feeling more like myself than I have in years and I am just relieved to finally have a decision made and that I can move forward. For now I am just hoping to have the divorce all done by April 1st so that I can start dating and moving forward with my goals and ambitions! Thanks for all the prayers, support, and love.

Stay tuned for pictures of my new place! (I need to do some more organizing and cleaning)

Sundays....

Well its interesting that Sunday is the hardest day for me emotionally. I am fine all week, literally no break downs or anything just lots of optimism for the future. But with Sunday comes the emotions. I really think it has a lot to do with the fact that I cut out so much media. I am constantly watching something or either while doing something else, or just sitting on the couch. But as its Sunday I try to be better about if I watch anything and if so what, and this leads to more thinking and contemplation. Besides all that it is hard to be in a congregation with happy couples and chubby little toddlers running around. Its all well and good for me to look forward to being single again and hoping to travel internationally before getting remarried but the truth is what most of my fellow sisters in my ward have is all that I have wanted since I got married, and its hard to not have that with some many that do.

I feel the lack in my marriage, the lack in myself, my short comings and selfish ways really come to the fore front in sacrament when I turn internal and listen to what the spirit has to say to me. Luckily I have so many friends that truly help strengthen me and welcome me in that makes church a place that I can be despite what I am feeling.

When Things Don't Turn Out The Way You Expect

Recently I have been hearing this a lot,'You are so young, you have so much time'. It's funny the different perspectives you hear versus your own. I can feel so old and, in my current circumstances, running quickly out of time to have the life I want. Logically I am not old, and still have plenty of time but with the uncertainty of my life it doesn't feel that way. When I saw my self at this age even a few years ago I thought I would of had children and be happy and content writing in my free time, doing Mary Kay and being a mom. But when you plan life it certainly has a way of disrupting those plans.

This past weekend I moved out of the apartment I shared with my husband and into another that I share with a roommate. It was kind of a surreal event even though this past year of hardship in my marriage was leading up to something like this. I almost feel like a little girl playing college, but the realities come around the bend and hit me full force that I am a married woman who is planning on moving back in with her parents in a few months. Not in the original life plan.

And yet I am amazed at all the many miracles that have proceed this event and continue to pop up for me. The overwhelming support I have received from all over the nation. And the fortitude of strength my God has given me and the love and comfort that I feel from him often. I know some people have thought I am very strong and courageous but in reality it is all borrowed strength from my Savior. I am so grateful for his influence in my life and the ability I have to have the spirit direct me in the paths I should go.

So for now life is good, tune in for pictures of the new DIGS!!