Thursday, October 20, 2011

I spoke to soon

My early post today just got a bit of a slap in the face when I saw this quote:

“Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others...By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves.” President Gordon B. Hinckley

Message received.

I can do hard things...

Today has been hard. Not exactly sure why but I stumbled upon Hilary Weeks blog (I have no idea how I have missed this before I truly love her!) And I am 'catching up' on her posts. I love her voice in her writing and the honesty. Anyways I am specifically reading the thoughts posts and the step posts about her new album and almost every post is making me tear up. I'm trying to let things go and rely on the promises the Lord has made me time and time again but it is hard. It's so hard not to have control, its so hard to have the things I desire most not be something I can control. Hilary was talking about her daughter and how she will spend eternity getting to know her as an adult but in that moment she had this thought that she only had that night and the next few years to get to know her as a child and I ached. That is truly all I have ever wanted. I have many aspirations and goals but they all pale in comparison to me wanting to be a wife and mother. I thought I had it all figured out, my life was laid out and agency came into play and I find myself divorce and alone. I know every stage has its hard things we must do but this seems harder than I remember. All my friends are in the stages I want and wish about being in and I am having a hard time enjoying this journey for the things I will learn and how I will change. So for now I am just trying to remind myself that I can do hard things and that this to shall pass because the Lord promised me it would.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Stake Conference October 15 and 16, 2011

I was asked to speak at Stake Conference. Yikes! When I received the email from the Stake Executive Clerk (I think that's his title) wanting to ask me a question about Stake Conference I figured that they wanted me to pray. I was nervous about doing that but I figured no problem. Well when he called me Sunday night and asked me to give a talk at the Adult Session that was on Saturday, less than a week away I was terrified. I stressed and prepared and did a lot more stressing but my sister kept reassuring me that since the stake building was so far, an hour and a half drive from our house, that the attendants wouldn't fill up the chapel. So I let her pacify me and help me alot! I was very lucky to have such a supportive sister and several really great friends that helped me work through ideas and panic attacks throughout the week.

Saturday we were running a bit later than I was hoping and we got there with about 15 minutes before the program started and I walked into a full house even with the first overflow section mainly full. I was not prepared for that to greet me. It was really awesome to see all those people making sacrifices to be there but on the flip side I was hoping for like ten people. Oh well. I was second on the program and I started shaking when I walked into the building so sitting and waiting for the first speaker was one of the most interesting experiences I think I have ever had. It was incredible hard to focus and not continuously stare out over the audience. I was literally shaking so badly all over that my thighs were shaking even while I was sitting. Not the best feeling. I wondered if anyone else could tell and what embarrassing twitch I would have while I was speaking. The last time I spoke in Sacramanet I kept a steady beat with my foot pounding the ground. Luckily the audience couldn't see or hear just everyone on the stand with me! So I was really nervous about repeating that experience since there was a full choir on the stand right behind me.

Well I'm not sure if I had any noticeable twitch to the audience but I was able to give my talk in relative confidence. I felt more natural once I started talking and went 'off script'. In the past I have done my talks in a bullet point format but I was stressing so much over this talk that I wrote it all out. Luckily I was lead by the spirit and had a much more natural and funny talk then I had written. I received lots of compliments and thank yous on my talk and that is the best indication on what kind of job I did.

We were blessed enough to have Elder Giddens of the Seventy with us and I really appreciated his talk. The thing that touched me the most is when he talked about his call to be a Mission President when he was still very young and all his children were still at home. He talked about how he was so positive and had an attitude even around the children that this was no big deal. His wife pointed out that this wasn't working and he pulled the family together and admitted that this was a hard thing and his wife made a sign that said 'We Can Do Hard Things'. This became a bit of a call to arms for everyone in the family but his 15 year old daughter. This change was the hardest for her and one day while looking for her he found this quote on her mirror:

“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.”
Gordon B. Hinckley

This is what was getting her through her difficulties. I took alot of personal comfort from this quote and the things he had to say. I can do hard things and when I put my trust and faith in the Lord things will go more smoothly and work out better for me.