Sunday, February 27, 2011


Well its interesting that Sunday is the hardest day for me emotionally. I am fine all week, literally no break downs or anything just lots of optimism for the future. But with Sunday comes the emotions. I really think it has a lot to do with the fact that I cut out so much media. I am constantly watching something or either while doing something else, or just sitting on the couch. But as its Sunday I try to be better about if I watch anything and if so what, and this leads to more thinking and contemplation. Besides all that it is hard to be in a congregation with happy couples and chubby little toddlers running around. Its all well and good for me to look forward to being single again and hoping to travel internationally before getting remarried but the truth is what most of my fellow sisters in my ward have is all that I have wanted since I got married, and its hard to not have that with some many that do.

I feel the lack in my marriage, the lack in myself, my short comings and selfish ways really come to the fore front in sacrament when I turn internal and listen to what the spirit has to say to me. Luckily I have so many friends that truly help strengthen me and welcome me in that makes church a place that I can be despite what I am feeling.

Monday, February 21, 2011

When Things Don't Turn Out The Way You Expect

Recently I have been hearing this a lot,'You are so young, you have so much time'. It's funny the different perspectives you hear versus your own. I can feel so old and, in my current circumstances, running quickly out of time to have the life I want. Logically I am not old, and still have plenty of time but with the uncertainty of my life it doesn't feel that way. When I saw my self at this age even a few years ago I thought I would of had children and be happy and content writing in my free time, doing Mary Kay and being a mom. But when you plan life it certainly has a way of disrupting those plans.

This past weekend I moved out of the apartment I shared with my husband and into another that I share with a roommate. It was kind of a surreal event even though this past year of hardship in my marriage was leading up to something like this. I almost feel like a little girl playing college, but the realities come around the bend and hit me full force that I am a married woman who is planning on moving back in with her parents in a few months. Not in the original life plan.

And yet I am amazed at all the many miracles that have proceed this event and continue to pop up for me. The overwhelming support I have received from all over the nation. And the fortitude of strength my God has given me and the love and comfort that I feel from him often. I know some people have thought I am very strong and courageous but in reality it is all borrowed strength from my Savior. I am so grateful for his influence in my life and the ability I have to have the spirit direct me in the paths I should go.

So for now life is good, tune in for pictures of the new DIGS!!