Too in Love with Love

I have come to realize something this past month. Being single is very dangerous for me because I am literally too in love with love. I can't wait to fall in love, have that first body thrilling kiss. I can't wait to be a wife again and snuggle with my husband. 'I can't wait' is my key in all this. I am looking so far down the road and trying to 'make it happen' that I am not really listening to what my spirit is telling me. I want to feel all those things and have them and because of that I am in constant battle with myself. I am approaching dating very cautiously and being incredibly selective to the point where I don't have many options because I know what I want and what I wont put up with but the the other side of me just wants to be in love! Wants all this to happen and doesn't want to wait and be patient. I want to find the perfect fit now and move forward not learn the lessons I am probably meant to learn in this new phase of my life. For now I am just working on being obedient and reigning in my go getter enthusiasm toward love.

Write to you soon,

Laura

P.S. I made this private so I would feel comfortable being open and honest.

From Online to in Person: The Author

I was incredibly lucky that my first meeting with someone from the internet was with The Author. We had a really fast connection and were able to literally talk all day in one form or another. We never ran out of things to talk about and being able to read an authors work and talk to them about it was pretty awesome. I got so many insights and ideas from those conversations and a lot of empowerment that I can make my dream of being an author a reality and the steps to take to get myself there. But I digress…

So on August 25, 2011 I headed out to Colorado to meet The Author. That was another big bonus is that I have lots of family in Colorado, and I grew up there, so if things had gone really south I would have been able to retreat to safety. At first I was just really excited this was all so fun and then as I slowly got closer and closer I started to panic. We had discussed what we would do if there was no chemistry and all those contingency plans but it all of a sudden became really real as I was getting off the tram and heading up the escalator to meet The Author. At first I didn’t see him but when I did I was really surprised because he didn’t look like his pictures or really what he looked like on Skype. It’s hard to explain the difference from getting to ‘know’ someone via the internet before you meet them in person, but there is a big difference and alot of things you miss when you start off a relationship through technology. All this left me feeling very awkward. It had been like a minute into our time together and I was way off balance. He actually looked a lot like one of my college buddies which was also very strange because it was not what I expected at all. So I jabbered on very awkwardly and hardly made any eye contact as we were walking thru the airport to his car. To compound all this unease I had worked that day and it was after 10pm when I arrived in Colorado which was 12pm my time. So I had had a very full day! Once we got into the car I was able to relax a little bit and to feel more natural but I was still nervously chattering and wondering how this weekend was going to turn out after all. I had been praying about coming out and felt fine about everything but those nerves were really making me second guess all that. We didn't plan anything that night so The Author dropped me off at my cousin’s house for the night and I was able to sort through how I was feeling about everything and get some much needed rest which really helped.

The next day he picked me up pretty early in the morning to start our day. Although there was still some awkwardness it wasn’t nearly as bad and we both were able to be more natural. We spent a really low key day at his place just getting to know each other and adjusting, at least in my case, to being around each other in person. We had talked about Pride and Prejudice the long BBC version before I came out and we tried it out but The Author just wasn’t interested in the film, at all. He was a good sport for trying though.

This trip I was able to relax and enjoy Colorado and the companionship of The Author. We went on a drive through the mountains which was so heavenly after being away from them for so long!

Here are a few snaps I took on my phone during our drive in the mountains.

But the most eventful excursion is when we meet up with three of my brothers and my Mom for Pho, a Vietnamese meal. It was about a 45min drive for us to get that far north from where The Author lives and I was really nervous about how this meeting was going to go. I wasn't planning on him meeting any of my family but having my brother in town from Utah and being able to see all of them was too good to pass up. So The Author graciously braved meeting them. This was almost a comical meeting because The Author is around 5'10.5" and my brothers are 6'1" and above. I didn't really think about how the height thing would come into play for The Author but as we all stood semi awkwardly outside the restaurant The Author was very noticeably the shortest of the group. I never asked him how he felt about that but after we went into the restaurant we all were very relaxed and had an enjoyable time. My family than headed to the Broncos game and on our way back I realized I had forgotten to give them some passes they needed for the game so we had to do a major U-Turn and brave the craziness of pre game traffic to meet up with my family, again. The Author was SO NICE about all the inconvenience and trouble he had to go through for this simple lunch but I semi paid him back by going and meeting his closest friends and their wives for a movie night right after the meet ups with my family. Granted they aren't his family but I knew if things worked out between us these would be the people I was around the most and that was incredibly nerve racking. I was pretty comfortable around them but it took a while for me to feel comfortable sharing with them my little jokes or opinions but by the end of the night I was comfortable with them and really enjoyed their company. They are the kind of friends that you always want and need. Great to just hang out with but there to help you no matter what. I finally understood first hand why The Author loved these friends so much.

I was there for a Sunday and we did go to Church together to his Singles Ward. Since it was a bit later I changed and finished getting ready at The Authors place. We had fun joking around and bantering but at one point he walked behind me when I was doing my makeup and he completely disappeared. I was not only taller than him but wide enough that you couldn't see him at all behind me. It freaked me out and made me feel slightly sick to my stomach. I had always grown up being bigger than everyone else. And before coming out there I knew I would be a bit taller than him but I was not prepared to be bigger than him in every way and having that visual reminder of my size in relation to his wasn't good.

We finished getting ready and drove to the church. Now Single Wards typically are just such awkward places and this ward wasn't an exception and I wasn't a fan of being there, especially since it had been years since I had attended one. However everyone was very nice and all loved The Author so everyone was very curious about me and what was going on, etc. It was some kind of luck though that I would not only be introduced to the entire Bishopric and their wives but that the Stake President, who knows The Author well, would be there too and I also would be introduced to him. It was a bit over whelming because everyone was asking questions and I knew they were wondering how serious The Author and I were and I felt very awkward. I really liked The Author and we had had a great time but I was not ready to be thinking/planning for a potential future with him. I was trying to just get to know him. Luckily we left after sacrament and spent the rest of the day hanging out with his mom which I much preferred.

All in all the trip was alot of fun and it was a great experience for me. I knew The Author had some pretty strong feelings for me so when I got back I pondered and prayed about him and continuing a relationship with him. I felt that friendship was all I could have with him and he felt differently and couldn't just be my friend so not long after this trip we went our separate ways. I'm sad that I lost such a great friend but it was for the best and I will forever be grateful of the opportunity to meet and grow with The Author and I wish him true happiness because that is what he deserves.

Me and The Author

Recap: A Season To Express Thankfulness

I made it through the month with my goal. I wanted to write a handwritten note of gratitude to a different person every day. Now I didn't make it all 30 days but I was really close and actually didn't keep count so I wouldn't lose sight of the spirit of the goal. It was pretty amazing especially since in the middle of it my sisters household where I live was hit with one thing after another. It was really compounded in November for some reason and every week there was a new challenge of things breaking. The cherry on top was that we got lice, meaning all the girl,s so grooming, chemical treatments, boiling water hair baths and mayo hair treatments to kill the buggers was not putting me in the thankful spirit. But that humbling/humiliating experience allowed me to really see the hand of the Lord in our lives. We were so blessed with amazing friends that braved coming into the infested house to help with the 'monkey grooming' and stopping them from spreading. My sister has incredibly thick, like the size of a fist for a pony tail thick hair and it is very long. She has such beautiful and we both were close to chopping our hair off because we were so frustrated but several friends stepped in and assisted in the 5+ hours it would take to go through her hair. We were very blessed in our difficulties.

On the flip side people were very grateful to receive thank you notes. One friend told me he had never received a note like that in his whole life. I was a bit surprised because he is an older man, but that I was the first to give him something so unique in his experience was very touching. It made my month much sweeter and more reflective as I pondered how many things I really have been blessed with.

Online Dating... You have to take joy in the ride

I joined the online dating world this past June. (Horrified Gasps) I know, I know the stigma! But being a Single LDS Lady in the south is like being single in Antarctica, slim pickings at best and if you are a Tall Single LDS Lady forget it! I thought online would be a good option to get to know people and ease back into dating since its been a long time since I have been in this scene.

For the most part it has been good. It has been a very different experience to walk into. There is a whole other code of rules and games then in person dating. I started this journey by reading everyone's profile I was interested in and if I was interested after reading what they said I would find common ground and send a paragraph long email. I was so excited to be 'dating' again that I went full force and head long into this process. The possibilities were so exciting to me and everything was new! What I didn't know was that the majority were lazy and didn't bother looking at your profile before sending a 'flirt' with something like "You're Cute!" or "Hi". Oh man those flirts get under my skin. Then after all the hours I spent sending out thoughtful emails I only got a few back, and of those most were short one sentence replies to my inquiries and nothing beyond that. First learning curve, wait to invest time to make sure its worth investing.

Then the IMing feature seemed like the answer to the email dilemma. Here is a way to find out if I want to invest time in them. Perfect! I had some really fun, snappy conversations but then I got several creepers. My first encounter was Mr. Early Bird. I may need to add a caveat here that at first I would reply to every email I received and every IM because I didn't see the harm in it and I thought it was the polite thing to do, right...

Ok back to Mr. Early Bird.
This guy lives in North Carolina and started IMing me. I replied and check out his profile and realized he didn't have the things I wanted height included but before I could make my escape he had already said I think we should meet in person and that he would drive down to meet me. Literally this was four lines into our FIRST conversation ever!! SAY WHAT?! So I politely said oh I think we should get to know each other better before we meet in person and wasn't that kind of a long drive. He said oh no it was only like 2.5 hours and what did I want to know? So I ended that conversation as quickly and nicely as possible. I am all for showing your interest and taking charge but four lines in, really! Especially since the first two are Hi, Hey. Yeah way creepy!

Second was Mr. Digits
Now this guy was very...aggressive. His profile sounded interesting and when he started IMing me I was looking forward to getting to know him and seeing if the interest would transfer to our conversations. But again I was shocked and a few lines into our dialogue he wanted my number or Skype name so we could talk because he didn't like IM. By this time I had become much more cautious and put the brakes on and for him that meant goodbye. He said I couldn't live in fear and I need to be willing to take a risk. Because giving you my number proves I don't live in fear?! Really it would have proved I had no sense. The best part of Mr. Digits was he was on another dating site I was on and approached me again a few weeks later and didn't even realize that I was the same person. This time he was willing to get to know each other a bit before hand, must have gotten rejected enough to realize that was way to bold of a maneuver to try out that soon but the conversation was dry and I didn't try hard at all because I wasn't interested at this point and I remembered crazy aggressive guy.

The third IMer that really sticks out is Mr. Must Be In A Bikini.
Now this whole experience with him just cracks me up. Seriously he was way out of line but I found the whole thing hilarious and mainly because I had no interest.
Mr. Must Be In A Bikini started to IM me. I checked out his profile and he fit all my qualifications except he was a bit young but I figured what the heck. We started IMing and I was reading through his profile and it was apparent to me that I really didn't have any interest in him and the conversation wasn't very engaging but so far things were at least fun so I kept chatting in case I had misjudged him and he just had a bad profile. Well I asked him what his favorite place in Utah was and his reply was you'll have to come out and see but you'll need your bikini. I already knew after he wrote this were the rest of the conversation was going but I let it play out and watched it unfold. This was the rest of our conversation that I can remember:

Me: 'So its somewhere with water? but I don't wear bikini's'
Him: :( Why not?
Me: Because I don't think they are modest
Him: I think you would look good in one
Me: I probably would but I'll never wear one

And then his end went dead. Totally cracked me up. But that confirmed for me that he just wasn't my type. Second learning curve, don't be nice unless you are interested because you will regret it!

Obviously these are the extreme examples and there have been lots of great IM and email conversations but these are more fun to tell and I can remember them. I have learned alot about myself through this online process and I have become much more selective and not afraid to be that way. And it has paid off for me and I hope those that I was blunt with. I did like two men enough to cross the huge gulf between online to in person. Tune in for the details on those two meetings.

A Win Win!

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